I was walking yesterday, hacking some portals here and there with the crappy back up phone that I’m using at the moment. I walked over a parking lot and a car pulled up into a spot near where I was standing. Inside there was a woman and her daughter. Nothing special really it seemed.
Until I noticed she was smoking. Not just that, she was talking to her girl, not even taking the cigarette out of her mouth. It was dangling between her lips.
I couldn’t help but stare. I was appalled by what I saw and the woman must have thought I was looking at her funny.
The thought that went through my mind was “you got to be kidding me. Not only does it look very anti social (the dutch word Tokkie came to mind) but she clearly doesn’t give a shit about her girls health”.
So I stared.

I couldn’t help myself and… just stared.


I messed around a bit with the blog. There used to be a way to automatically update to facebook, but it seems like facebook has deleted that feature. Now you need to do it the other way around. Make an app and connect the two of them. I had no idea how that worked so yesterday I sat down and read up on it and I -think- I made it work. Well this entry will tell I guess.

I did my jumping again. My feet didn’t fall off after yesterday’s 6 minutes and my knee didn’t spasm either. So I guess I’ll be fine. I did another 6 minutes today. It may not seem like a lot but you need to start small you know. I need to keep in mind, I can do this. I can do this.

Today I’ll use a walk as an excuse to drop by a friend for some coffee and see how she’s doing. For which I need to get ready soon.


It’s no secret that it’s fear that’s holding us back from accomplishing a lot of things. Personally I’m suffering from an unhealthy fear of failure, to such an extend that it will make me shut down and even sabotage myself so at least it’s certain that I won’t make it (and try again) instead of there actually being a chance of making it.

I have been battling this for quite some time and knowing about it helps, there was a long time that I was going through the mecanics of it but didn’t know what I was doing, or more importantly, why.
So when embarking on something new, something I know I haven’t been able to pull off very often, well.. almost never at all, not because I wouldn’t be able to do it, but because I would sabotage myself every single time and then give up. It’s scary.
Part of me is screaming, “why are you even trying, you know you’ll suck and give up, so give up already, better now then having wasted all that energy and -than- giving up.”
But I can’t do that this time. I made sure I picked something so interesting that my curiosity about it is bigger then that voice screaming in my head that I will give up. Even if I fail, I’m going to try again, because this is something I -really really- want to do.

Something I’m also afraid of is pushing myself physically. When I was younger I did athletics and got hurt pretty badly. On top of that I fell a few times and hurt my knee. So now I’m afraid that if I truely start with physical training, I’ll be in a lot of pain again.
Walking has been very good. It’s come to a point that I feel my day is not complete if I haven’t done my after dinner walk. Even on bad days (and I do have those) I actually look forward to going on my walk, to clear my mind and just.. walk.
So to push myself, instead of going to a gym (which I do want to do in the future), I started on jumping rope. First time, only 5 minutes and my feet were hurting excruciatingly for three days afterwards. So badly that walking hurt. It made me scared of doing it again.
But today I thought.. fuck this. I got through those three days just fine, did my walks even then. So today I jumped rope again. 6 minutes.
Rock on!

Going for a walk

There have often been times that I thought about writing in this blog again. I haven’t for years. I wouldn’t be able to tell you why or even why I am writing now. It’s just so handy to make little 1 or 2 line updates in facebook I guess instead of really writing down what’s going on in my head.

Almost every day I go for a walk after dinner. No matter what weather, rain, snow, chill. I put on my thick leather coat and under it a big fluffy hoody, my warm wooly goat hat (it’s a goat, not a rabbit!), put on one leather glove, take my phone and out I go.
Just walking and playing Ingress in the mean time while I’m alone with my thoughts. It sounds more scary than it is. It’s nice to have your mind wander places while you walk. I think about my travels, about singing, about creative ideas, about cleaning.
Sometimes I hum, sometimes I even sing softly to myself and I always hear music in my head, while I never bring my mp3 player or have music on my phone.
That might be unusual for some people but not for me. Or maybe it’s not so unusual but people just don’t talk about it because they think others will find them crazy.

At another walk yesterday, when I was getting groceries, I ran into my contact person of social services. We talked a moment (but not too long, as this is an out of office thing and I don’t want to take up that time from her. I thanked her for the support she had shown for me so far and she told me that I was one of her top clients. I had no idea she viewed and felt it like that. While I know I have come a long way, it’s been quite the struggle and I feel like I still have such a long way to go.
It made me smile though and thinking back about it makes me smile again.

I don’t know if writing this is a one off fluke or if there will be more entries. Time will tell.

For the Greater Good

“Gilles, the papers hold the wrong numbers.. “ Mattias looked thoughtful at the contracts in front of him. He was helping his domitor prepare for the upcoming meeting with the head of the foundation that held “The Old Court” building. The Frenchman shook his head with a small sigh and looked back at his financial assistant. “they do not. That is the amount we are going to buy that building for.”
He did not look too happy about it, but knew that this was the way they needed to proceed if he still wanted to put his other plans into work. Jim had come through for him wonderfully. Not that the man had any choice anymore. This realization pained the Ventrue. He pulled his hand through his graying hair while looking at all the paperwork in front of him on the table, than at his blond assistant.

He had to get used to the name of the company, though he agreed with Matt that it was a good one. It had taken some calls and paperwork, but the shell company Lilja inc. was born, established in Sweden and now with a branch in the US. He was proud of his assistant for making this all happen. That business degree he got last year was certainly not going to waste. He put his hand on the young man’s for a moment, showing his gratitude for what he had managed to pull off. It made Mattias smile shyly. He would do anything for his “boss”.

They packed up the papers, putting them in neat folders, making sure they had copies. Gilles took the building report Jim had written for him and put it in his briefcase as well. He took a deep breath. He would be glad when this was all over and done with. After the young man quite lovingly straightened Gilles’ tie the two nodded at eachother and left the apartment to go to their meeting.

They did not meet at the courthouse itself. Gilles had asked Ivory if she could arrange a meetingroom at the Palisade Hotel. She had done so gladly.
Derreck drove them there and hung around a little in the lobby after he had parked the car. The duo had been early and had time enough to set up for the meeting with the head of the Foundation. Gilles went over the building report again. When he had told Mister Altrick about it, the man had been shocked. They hadn’t expected to become a victim of a shady building company. The Frenchman was still a little in thought when the old man entered the room. He was nicely dressed, but it was clear he was quite distressed about the whole situation. He was facing one hell of a scandal and probably the fall of his foundation.
The duo got up to greet him, than all of them sat themselves to get down to business. Matt just kept to himself and sat there in silence, being the good assistant that he was. Gilles looked concerned at the old man, than gave him an encouraging smile before he started to speak.

“Mister Altrick, I am sorry you find yourself in this position. I have to admit that I am glad that I let Suarrez and Sons check your building before we signed that lease. “ He watched how the old man almost shrunk in his chair. He was certain that now everything would go to shit. The building, the foundation, everything he had worked for to accomplish in the last few years. The expression on the man’s face made Gilles sigh involuntarily. He tried to keep in mind that this was for the greater good, that not everything would be lost for the old man and that he could still try to help him out in other ways too after this. He forced a caring smile and his voice sounded compassionate when he spoke. “I think it would be a pity to see all that work go to waste, so I have a proposition for you.” He watched the man peek up and with a calm smile on his face he went on. “I will take this building of your hands and take care of the “mistakes” that were made by the last contractor. “
The old man blinked at Gilles, uncertain what to think of this. He realized that he probably wouldn’t have much choice, but he was not yet fully convinced. The Frenchman went on. “Cleaning up the asbestos will of course come at a price, so you understand I cannot pay full price for this piece of heritage. “ He sat back and looked at the man while his words were sinking in. He leafed through some papers before speaking again. “As a side effect, we will not speak of this little problem, so you and your foundation will not lose any face over it and can continue doing it’s good work for.. other buildings.” He pushed the contracts towards Mister Altrick. The man looked defeated and even older than he was. He glanced over the papers and let out a soft sigh.

“Keep in mind Mister Altrick, that I will be supporting your foundation with a generous donation every year, as I understand that such a … debacle can wear on a man.” He smiled compassionately while the old man in front of him just kept staring at the papers. Mattias strategically put a pen near the man but other than that just kept silent. Gilles sits back, giving the man a moment, than speaks again. “I realize it is a lot to take in. Please take your time, take the contracts home. It is allright if I receive them Monday… “ He left in a strategic pause, than goes on. “Or you can get it over with right now, know it is all arranged and the building is in good hands and will be taken care of and finally have a good night of sleep again.”
He had noticed how heavy this weighted on the mans mind. It probably hadn’t been obvious to everybody, but the Frenchman just had a keen eye for it. With another sigh, the old man picked up the pen and turned the page on the contract. He glanced over the page, than signed at the bottom. He pushed the contract towards Gilles, who checked it, than handed it to Matt. Mister Altrick signed the second contract as well after making sure the representative of Lilja inc. had also put his signature down.

When they walked out of the hotel, Gilles looked thoughtful and sighed. This time it was Matt who put his hand on the Ventrue’s back and spoke softly to him. “the greater good Gilles.. “
He took a deep breath and nodded at his assistant. He tried to keep that in mind, but it was quite clear he wasn’t happy about it.

(written for PL vampire the masquerade roleplay)

Flexing the Muscle

So the frenchman found himself in the little office besides his contractor’s house. He had made himself comfortable in the chair at one side of the desk and declined the offer of coffee. He was there to talk business after all. The chubby man on the other side of the desk looked quite pleased. He sure did not mind more business from that nice but eccentric Frenchman.
“Mister Laroche, I’m happy to receive you in my office again. Our latest project is coming to an end and we’re quite eager to hear what you have for us this time.”
Gilles smiles calmly back at the man. Dressed in his full suit and tie he looked quite impressive. When he spoke his voice was nice but businesslike. “I understand you have your sons finishing up at the bar. Were the specifications of the cellar clear enough?”

The man at the other side of the desk nods at him. He found the Frenchman a bit too paranoid, but if he forked over the money, he would build a nuclear bunker down there if that was what he wanted. It must have been some very special wine he would be keeping down there to be so secured. He takes a sip of his coffee before answering the question. “of course mister Laroche, it only took a few modifications to be honest. My boys are now putting in the last copper ornaments in the bar and than it should be finished”
“excellent.” Still that calm smile on his face he started to work the powers of the blood. He needed this man even more secure in his grasp than by money alone for the next projects that needed to be done. He knew the man liked him already and it wouldn’t be that hard to work his charms on him.

“So Jim… You also do building inspections and write advisory reports, do you not?” He smiles rather nicely at the man, working his charm and watching how it was starting to affect the man in front of him.
“Of course Mister Laroche. The company has all the needed certificates to do so. Do you need a property to be inspected before we work on it?” He was all attention now. A new job of this man would be delightfull. All the work they got from him would already easily allow him to retire and was securing the company for his sons, but more business was good, especially if it was for this awefully nice man.

The Frenchman nodded slowly while sitting back. He could see how his power had taken hold on the man. “not just an inspection, I need you to put in the report that you found asbestos. Make it look important and official. “
Jim blinked and looked a little doubtfull. He would love to oblige the man, but this really did go against his work ethic. Gilles could see the difficulty the man had with this and tried to hide the fact that he himself wasn’t very happy to have to go this path. He just smiles and ponders for a moment before speaking. “On second thought, I would like that cup of coffee please.. “ He watches Jim get up and how the man at least happily obliges that request. When he is out of the office Gilles quickly takes out a cufflink, pulls his sleeve up and bites down. No time for being delicate. He drips some of his blood in the man’s coffee, than quickly closes the wound again. He’s still fidgeting a little with the cufflink when the man walks back into the small office with a cup of coffee. Jim puts the coffee in front of the Frenchman with a smile, than sits down. He picks up his own cup and takes a sip. He blinks and smiles quite contently. His wife sure knew how to make a good cup of coffee.

Gilles idly stirs in his cup with the spoon and looks back at the man in front of him. “So.. this report. I take this will not be a very big problem? I will need it as soon as possible, as I am making a bid on the property.”
Jim again contemplates a little, than shakes his head and takes a quick sip from the coffee again before putting the cup down. “I understand mister Laroche. I will make sure the papers are as you want them. Which property are we talking about?”
“the old Courthouse.” The Frenchman puts his coffee down again with a smile. Jim looks a little confused for a moment, than nods. “isn’t that recently renovated? Wouldn’t that have gotten rid of all the asbestos?” He looked like he still wasn’t entirely convinced.

Gilles just smiles pleasantly when he answers the man. “well.. you know how some contractors can just.. bend the rules a little.. I guess their last one did.. Just write the report, you would greatly please me if you do.” The Frenchman made a mental note to come back to check up on the man in the two upcoming nights, to secure his loyalty once and for all.

The fact that he could really please the Frenchman seem to pull Jim over the hesitation he had about the deal. He nods, maybe a little too eagerly even. He looks at the coffee and gulps it down, than looks quite disappointed it’s already empty. When Gilles gets up, so does he and shows him to the door again. The ventrue gives him a last pleasant look. “I am glad we are on the same page Jim. I smell a very succesfull cooperation here.” With that he walked back to his car. Derreck opened the door for him and he got in. He sat back and let out a sigh. He didn’t like flexing his powers like that, but sometimes he just had to.

(Written for PL vampire the masquerade roleplay)


She had settled right in. But than again, the little room she had in the chantry was not that different from any other dorm room she had lived in. She had checked in on her room at the university with the remote webcam program and still found it a complete mess. Not that there was anything to find anymore, she had made sure of that when she packed her stuff. She was glad they had accepted her story that she had suddenly fallen ill and wasn’t able to attend classes or tutor her students. She had send a mail to her professor at the university of Berlin as well, informing him. The big question would be, would this be a lost year or not. On the grander scheme of things it would never be lost of course, but she had planned on furthering on her degree and it would just suck if it couldn’t be done here, while they had such an excellent department here.
When the email came with the good news she was thrilled and relieved. It had even overshadowed what Parveen had told her which had shaken her up pretty badly. Now she had work to do, the paper they would be expecting could be nothing but perfect.
She sat behind her laptop and started typing out the subjects that needed to be addressed. She had already known what she would write this about, her favourite subject having to do with computers, wireless and network security. Soon she had a whole list and contently she looked at her work on the screen. She was quite happy with the access she had here in the chantry, connecting to it had been a breeze. She pondered for a moment and before she knew it, was pulling up a console window and typing out some commands. She just couldn’t keep a hold of her own curiousity and had to check out the rest of the network. Of course just clicking the network options wouldn’t do. That was for those silly windows users. She typed more commands and read what she got back.
She blink and typed another command, trying to reroute something to see what’s behind it. It took two tries but didn’t seem that hard. She reads her screen and nods to herself, than types some more and hits enter. That should be the wireless router, she was curious as to how well secured it was. She typed in the numbers and hit enter, than waited.
She blinks as she look at what appears on her screen. There was a lot that could have appeared there but this.. was just impossible. It showed that she was connected to.. nothing. But she had internet and the whole shabam. If that wasn’t through a wifi router, than what the hell was her computer connected to???

(Written for PL vampire the masquerade roleplay)


Hours. Many hours she has been awake now. Ever since Parveen had lifted her from her bed in the middle of the night she had been up. She had filled her weekend bag with her things, the things she thought she really would need. Her laptop, ipad, ipod, phone, papers, money, her box with usb sticks. She had hardly touched the money she had gotten from Jenny yet so she did not have to worry there. It had been something in the tone Parveen used that made her understand how serious this was. And Mary who had been taken. She hoped the woman would be allright, but she had heard the doubt in Parveen’s voice.

The first motel. Parveen had paid for two nights. She hadn’t said anything. She already knew she would leave the moment Parveen’s car would be heading back to downtown. She had sat on the bed, waiting until she had heard her domitor leave. The familiar sounds of the car fading away until she was on her own. Her head was spinning. So many things she needed to take care of. She knew she had the choice to either take this very seriously, or just sit and wait. She had never been the type to just sit and wait and the moment she had wiped her computer in her dormroom and activated the remote webcam program she had made her choice.

The second motel. It hadn’t even taken that long to get a cab. She barely had time to put a braid in her hair and cut it off. She had stared at the braided hair for quite some time before she put a second elastic band around it and put it in her bag. She shook her head, already looking different now that her hair hardly came to her shoulders. She pulled her fingers through it and smiles sadly. A cup of coffee and the cab had been there. She had picked a motel near the airport, she wasn’t sure why. Maybe she could grab an hour of sleep but she didn’t want to risk it. There was so much to do. Once she had settled in her room she had taken out her laptop and phone. She had paid the motel enough to not have to show any id and buy wifi access without getting hassled. The list was still in her head and she knew she had to write it down or she would forget things. So she put all the steps and things she needed to do in a document and started from the top.

She started with emails. Making sure uni knew she was sick. Her students she tutored were notified that she could not come this week. They were set to be send out at 7.30 sharp. It would be too suspicious of any of them saw the timestamp of 3 in the morning. That taken care of, she wrote an email to Jenny of the Bean, also notifying she was sick and couldn’t come for a while. She was glad she had finished the remote login for the servers. Whereever she would be, she could log in there and either do work, or use it to her advantage. She did feel a little guilty for not letting Jenny know that she could. But it was not like she was going to abuse it or tell anybody. Even Parveen didn’t know about it.

She checked the webcam with her phone and blinked. They had been in her room, it was a mess. It was a miracle the webcam was still working. She went to the window and glanced through the slit of the curtains. She really needed some coffee, like really really needed some coffee. She got out of her room for a moment to get some. Now that she knew they had really come for her, she needed to keep going, even though she had only slept for three hours after that busy day of classes and tutoring. When the cups were empty she felt a bit better. Next item on the list. Set up a company or foundation or whatever it was she could use without having to use her own name to be able to use her money. She looked it up. It was amazing what you could find on the net about it. It didn’t take long but she could see how it was becoming light. Her body ached for sleep, but she wouldn’t let it. She needed to mail her dad. He would be worried. She put it last on the list, she didn’t know what to tell him at the moment.

A part of her had often thought about a mad dash like this. She wasn’t a hacker, she had always at least sort of stayed at the right side of the line. But it was that odd sense of thrill and adventure. Now that she was actually experiencing it, it didn’t really feel that way. She was scared and tired and she didn’t know yet when she would be able to sleep. She watched the window with the closed curtains for a moment. It really was starting to become light now, her mails would be send out any minute now, assuring that some people would not worry if they didn’t hear from her for a few days. She couldn’t slow down now, if she would do that, she would break down and cry and this was not the time to go crying like a little girl. She had told Parveen that the woman did not need to worry about her and she would make sure of it.

She had made a list of things she needed to buy. Again she glanced at the window. It was light. She needed to mail Parveen. She created a new gmail address and send her domitor a mail that she had to look in her post box withing else than that in it. It was almost time to take care of the rest of her hair. She knew it would be a mess, but the way it looked now was still too recognizable due to it being half long. She took the scissors from her toiletbag and went to the bathroom to watch what she was doing in the mirror. With a sigh she took strand after strand of hair and cut it off. It wasn’t neat it wasn’t pretty but it was short and made her look quite different and that was the intention.

She watched the strands of hair in the sink and shook her head. It felt so odd, so odd. She makes sure to clean up everything, putting the hair in a plastic bag and putting it in her weekend bag, than washes the last bits of it down the drain with water. She looks in the mirror and could just cry. She had always loved her long hair and now it was really definitely gone. She takes a deep breath and washes her face with cold water. She eyed the shower. That really wasn’t a bad idea.

Feeling at least clean she stuffed her weekend bag in a locker of the airport. She just took her backpack along in which she had put her ipad. She couldn’t help but pull her hand through her short hair. She really tried not to, but it just felt too odd. At one of the clothing shops of the airport she bought a turtleneck and went into the toilet to put it on. She stuffed her t-shirt in her bag. Now just some sunglasses and she was set to visit some shops.

Simcards. The big secret in telephony. She bought a few new ones. One for herself, one for parveen and hopefully for mary and a few to spare. She noted down the numbers in a document on her ipad when she took a moment to sit down for some coffee and breakfast. She put one in her own phone and transferred her numbers. She writes a little note with her own date of birth in front, than the number of the simcard she just put in her phone behind it. She would make sure that parveen would get this somehow.

Motel 3. When she thought she had taken care of the things she needed to buy, she got herself some lunch. The food was good and the coffee was better than the cheap motel crap she had been drinking all night and morning. She had taken her bag out of the locker again and went to a motel not too far from the buss station. Again she paid too much, but they didn’t ask any questions. She bought some internet time on the wifi so she could take care of the last administrative things to take her name out all her finances so they could not use it, or abuse it. Her new atm pass would be send to her brand new po-box and Jenny’s money really would last till than, she didn’t have to worry about that.

She was so tired. She really could use a rest, but knew that it wouldn’t be a good idea now. She took a deep breath, put on the sunglasses and her weekend bag, even though she would have this room for a night. She decided to put it away in a locker at the reception. She looked around the room, making sure there was nothing left behind from her, than locks it up. She hails a cab, just taking her backpack with her and lets it take her close to parveen’s neighbourhood. Once there she looked around until she found a kid she thought she could trust with a little errand. She takes some paper from hr backpack and rips it in little squares. She folds them all and puts them in a pile, than takes the simcard she bought for parveen and the little note she wrote before. She gave the kid some money and the pile of empty notes and the one note and simcard with instructions to put a note in every letterbox of parveen’s apartment building but the card and the written note at a specific number. She stayed quite a bit away, a lot further than any normal person would still be able to see things. The powers in the blood that parveen had given her came in handy now. She focused on the boy to make sure he did what he asked her. She was amazed that it worked and how clear she could see him, even from this distance. She slinked away, glad this part was also taken care of. Now she had to wait. And with wait she meant keep moving all over town and only return to the motel after dark, ready to check out and hopefully go to a new place.

(Written as a background story for PL vampire the masquerade roleplay)

French Cuisine.

“Dominique dominique.. you’re such a hard man to get a hold of.. “
While sitting on his nice Chesterfield couch he looked down at his fellow Frenchman. He crossed one leg over the other, settling comfortably in the corner of the couch while smiling at his old friend.
“I know… I know… This is not entirely what you expected, was it? I can understand this, I really do.”
Gilles can’t help but smile when he looks down again, slowly taking in the visage of his visitor.
“Your paranoia was just… charming. Really charming. Breaking it down was such a nice challenge and game. But I like games my friend… I like games.”

He looks at the body of his ghoul lying on the floor and shakes his head.
“Messy Matt. You should have waited until he was turned away a little more. Now you ruined my shirt. You know how I hate it when my shirt is ruined. “
He makes a mental note to himself to pick up a new assistant at the spa the next time he visits, than looks at Dominique again with a small smile on his lips.
“now where were we? Oh yes games… You should have sensed something was wrong my friend. Did you really think I would let you slip away? No really? The timing was everything. You rose, you fell. It gave me the chance to be here for you.”
The Frenchman gets of his couch and gently strokes Dominique’s hair and turns his face so he can actually look at him. He smiles down, but there’s nothing gentle about that smile.
“I have been playing this game so much longer than you have Dominique, had you forgotten? I guess you must have. “
Almost tenderly he strokes his friend’s face. Those piercing blue eyes looking down, a hint of a smile, void of all caring.
“I have to admit, you were careful, but your need to find a confident, someone you could trust and be yourself with is what will now be the end of you. I would almost say… you won’t feel a thing, but we both know that it won’t be true, right?”

Gilles chuckles and slowly sits down on the floor, on his knees, straddling his old friend. His body is a little odd and the point sticking out of his chest is something he needs to be careful with. With a swift push, he makes sure Dominique’s back is flat against the floor, making the tip at the front come out just a little more.
“oh Dominique.. how I have waited for this moment. I am so happy I get to share this with you. Or should I say, I get to share you… with me.”
He grins down at the other Frenchman and his fangs slowly start to show. He sniffs a little of the blood and licks his lips slowly.
“It’s been a while since I had French Cuisine… I’m going to enjoy this… “

(story was written for the bizarro world story competition of PL vampire the masquerade roleplay)


Whatever he did, the image kept tearing through his mind. He had tried to not think of it, but it simply seemed impossible. It would go to the background, but only just and remained there, lurking, waiting for that moment when he would lose his focus.

It was the most gruesome thing he had ever seen. There was nothing human about it. There was nothing he knew he could compare it with, to rationalize it with. If only he had fled in terror as well. Maybe he would have been spared the worst. But unlike the brujah, he hadn’t. He had seen it. Truly seen it.

It felt far away, as he was sitting on the porch. She was sitting on the steps in front of him. At the moment she felt like a lifeline to his sanity. He didn’t know what he would do without her. The thought of having to deal with this alone gave him the feeling he had to throw up, while it had been decades since he used his stomach.

He closed his eyes and thought of the beach. He could smell the sand and the salt, almost feel the wind and hear the sea crashing on the shore. The monster seemed far away, but it was there, in the corner of his eye, constantly. He took in some air and slowly exhaled. He felt his body respond the way he hoped, slowly losing some of the tension. If only this would work on his mind.

He dreamt in black and green. It felt as if the images were overexposing in his mind, burning their way to his conscious world, while he knew he was sleeping. It felt as if long talons were trying to tear his brain apart, one little piece at the time. It was excruciatingly painful right till the moment he woke up.

He knew there was no way he could explain this to anybody. Maybe the other one that had been present could understand what he was going through now but he wasn’t sure how much of the true creature he had seen while fleeing. He had tried to tell her and she had seen what it did to him, but she would never truly know what it was, how it was when it talked to you, ripping bare your most inner secret.

Had she understood how thin the barrier was he managed to keep up? Was it the tone of his voice when he almost pleaded her to not let him sleep alone today? Had the blood red tears given away how scared he felt inside, not only for the monster itself, but also for fear of losing his sanity? And yet there she was. Pretending to be a bit calmer than she truly was. Being scared for him and relieved that he was “allright”. Not letting go of him.

He realized fully well that it hadn’t just been bad that he had seen the monster. The monster had seen him.

(Story was written for Fiction writing week of PL Vampire the masquerade roleplay)