I have so much to do, and i’m hitting that big ass wall again.
The “i want but i can’t” wall that just saps all the energy out of me to do anything productive. And than the frustration comes. Which makes me angry and than i just want to cry and scream at myself for not doing the stuff that needs to be done.
I had enough stuff to take my mind of the important stuff. Some trouble on the Elf Forum that i needed to deal with and i did finish my cap for germany and it looks cute.
I sorted out a lot of my clothes and put some in bags for the salvation army. I tidied my rack that had clothes in them and now it only holds stuff for my bed, pillowcases and towels.
It looks nice and sorted and neat. I love it.
I tried to sort out the stuff for the house in Schiedam and did everything i could, but the landlord is on holiday and everythign is on hold because of that. For me it feels as if it’s still not final that i will move that and that just sucks. In my head i’m decorating the place and i’m so looking forward to it, but i put the brake on my feelings because i dont’want to get too excited coz i’m afraid i’ll get hurt.
I finally made the first shorts from old t-shirts. I got the idea some time ago. I needed new shorts to wear under dresses and skirts (yes.. either that or pantyhoses or skirts are really uncomfortable) and it was a very good idea. It took me an hour to cut them and sew them together. They are so comfy!
When i read this all bad i _know_ that i did do a lot of stuff, and that’s really good. But when i try to sit down and write a letter for a job i just go completely blank. A voice in my head tells me that i will just get turned down.. again and why i would even bother. But i need to make applications or i won’t get my social security.
So i told myself i need to write 3 before i leave on wednesday, and i will.
I’m nervous for going to germany with my friends. I keep getting the feeling i’m bothering them. Part of me knows it’s not true, but i still feel it and it makes me very insecure. Thing is, i need this holiday. I need to get away for a few days to wind down and get a clear head again.
There is some nice stuff lined up too for when i get back. The tuesday i’m visiting Sjuul. I was really blunt when i talked to her on msn and kinda invited myself over for dinner. Part of me went crazy and was yelling at myself that i should not sick myself on other people. Another part cheered me on, because that part knew that Sjuul would be delighted to have me. And she is.
The day after that i’ll go out to dinner with Stefan (my old boss from the Elf) for our bet about the Fair. It will be fun and pleasant as allways and he already told me he has some ideas for the website and forum he wants to share with me, and i have some too, and i wonder how much we’re coming to the same ones.
I also poked Sna to let him know i want to cash in one of the 2 “dinner and movie” invitations he has given me in the last.. err.. one and a half??? years.
The truth is, i’m not really that secure around people that i care about. I keep being afraid that they’re just “putting up” with me, and that hurts. I know that i have a rather twisted outlook on things at times and i probably just need too much reasurance about things. Most of the time i feel comfortable with just doing stuff alone but sometimes i feel very alone and i don’t really know how to deal with that.
And of course there is the thing about me being so smart and blah and still sitting home without a job. Now how stupid is that huh?