Posted by omnipasje on November 27, 2003 in Uncategorized |

I have been feeling “off” all day.
I worked hard, tried to do as much as possible, even though it was so busy that i hardly had time to even think about doing something.

I felt like i was hyper, but as if a snap of a finger of somebody would kick me over the edge and either made me really mad, or really upset.

Luckily that didn’t happen at work.
It happened when i got home.
I had a talk with a friend of mine, and he told me that he felt i was demanding too much attention of him.
he hadn’t mentioned anything about that before, so his words hit me pretty hard.
Don’t get me wrong. I am very glad he told me. I’m very much in favour of people telling me things in my face, instead of me having to find out through others or people just not saying anything at all.
But because of the tension, my mood and everything, it made me really upset.
I feel so insecure. I get scared. I wish I could just please everybody. I wish i always knew the right things to say.. the right things to do. I want people to like me.
So i cried.. and cried some more.. and am crying again now that i’m writing this down.
On the outside i always seem this person that’s way in control of everything. Someone who seems to have limetless energy and who could tackle the world if she wanted to.

but i can’t.
At the moment i feel so upset i feel nausia.
I wish i could just vanish again in that little protective cocoon that i know so well.
And this triggers the part of me that is incredibly scared that i will.
At the moment that happens, i just don’t know anymore what to feel and i just cry.

A part of me doesn’t want others to know this side of me. Another part is not that insecure and has no problem at all with showing others that in a way i’m still this little girl who wants to be liked by everybody and who at times does her best way too much and than finds out that it’s this behaviour that’s pushing some people away.

And i’m still scared.
I’m scared that people won’t like me anymore when they find out what a mess my house is.
but when i get home from work, at times i’m so tired. For instance.. Jeroen is dropping by this weekend.
I have been planning on tidying up my house for a week now.. and how much did i do? nothing. It’s thursday now.. i have only one day left.
A part of me knows that he won’t really care that much about it anyway.. it’s a part of me.
but i don’t want it to be a part of me. I try fighting it and it just doesn’t work.

I have written before, why do i keep fighting certain things about myself, while others have already accepted them?
Why can’t I accept me for who i am?

why can’t i understand that even when i majorly fuck up, there are still people that like me.
there are.. are there?

Why do i want to change?
why don’t i want to change?

Why can’t the answer to life, the universe and everything just be 42.

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