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Pondersings

Posted by Pascalle on December 11, 2001 in Uncategorized |

Wow.. a second entry today.

I have been thinking a lot about certain things.
For starters, my incredible urge to be alone. Well, you have read a bit about my roommate so you might understand a bit about that urge. It’s something that goes back longer though. I just have a thing with roommates. It always goes wrong for me. I think i have learned my lesson about that now. No more roomy for me. Just let me have my 2 cats and i’m happy.

But this is not the only thing i have been thinking about.
The last time i had sex (or to bluntly put it, that i fucked someone) was when i was in australia.
This was.. march or so 2000.
So that’s one year and 9 months ago.

The stupid thing is.. i’m not frustrated about it. I don’t want to do it.
though it made me wonder why. In all honesty, it’s not because i really don’t feel like it. I do masturbate. ( i don’t care if you didn’t want to hear that.. this is my journal and i put here what ever i want).
It’s not even that i didn’t have the chances either. I had a boyfriend for 5 weeks, who would have done it straight away.
There were more oportunities, and in every one of them i turned down.

I have slept in my bed with friends, male friends and nothing happened.

I have wondered about it.. thought about it. I have some ideas why, but off course, i’m not sure about it.

I have a crush on someone. I’ve had it for.. ugh.. long time.. don’t ask.
I know the situation is hopeless.. he doesn’t feel the same but the damn feeling won’t go away. Maybe i can’t do it because of that? Maybe i just don’t have that butterfly in love feeling that i need?
But the thing is.. in the past i have also *coughs* had sex while i was definately not in love. Why can’t i do it anymore?

Maybe i have lost my apatite for guys altogether.
I know i’m bi, or.. maybe i’m really a lesbian? Not that i would mind, but i can’t help but wonder.
I guess i just need to meet that person who just really sweeps me off my feet.

The thing is.. i don’t think that will happen.
I tried to think if that makes me sad.. or frustrated..
but it doesn’t.

While everybody is looking so desperate for that significant other. i don’t care anymore. I’m happy with my friends and my cats and I like my time alone.

Sometimes this feels as if i’m abnormal.

I know.. this is a stupid entry, but i had to get this off my chest.

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