It’s no secret that it’s fear that’s holding us back from accomplishing a lot of things. Personally I’m suffering from an unhealthy fear of failure, to such an extend that it will make me shut down and even sabotage myself so at least it’s certain that I won’t make it (and try again) instead of there actually being a chance of making it.
I have been battling this for quite some time and knowing about it helps, there was a long time that I was going through the mecanics of it but didn’t know what I was doing, or more importantly, why.
So when embarking on something new, something I know I haven’t been able to pull off very often, well.. almost never at all, not because I wouldn’t be able to do it, but because I would sabotage myself every single time and then give up. It’s scary.
Part of me is screaming, “why are you even trying, you know you’ll suck and give up, so give up already, better now then having wasted all that energy and -than- giving up.”
But I can’t do that this time. I made sure I picked something so interesting that my curiosity about it is bigger then that voice screaming in my head that I will give up. Even if I fail, I’m going to try again, because this is something I -really really- want to do.
Something I’m also afraid of is pushing myself physically. When I was younger I did athletics and got hurt pretty badly. On top of that I fell a few times and hurt my knee. So now I’m afraid that if I truely start with physical training, I’ll be in a lot of pain again.
Walking has been very good. It’s come to a point that I feel my day is not complete if I haven’t done my after dinner walk. Even on bad days (and I do have those) I actually look forward to going on my walk, to clear my mind and just.. walk.
So to push myself, instead of going to a gym (which I do want to do in the future), I started on jumping rope. First time, only 5 minutes and my feet were hurting excruciatingly for three days afterwards. So badly that walking hurt. It made me scared of doing it again.
But today I thought.. fuck this. I got through those three days just fine, did my walks even then. So today I jumped rope again. 6 minutes.