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How to give up control

Posted by Pascalle on November 21, 2017 in Uncategorized |

It’s no secret that I’m an incredible controlfreak. I always feel that when I do something myself I know it’ll be up to my standards (which are often ludicrously high due to being a perfectionist) or more easily described as “done right”. But it’s not only in those cases where I hold on to my control very tightly, it’s even worse when it has to do with my weight.
Up till a few years ago I was rather fat and quite unhealthy. I was in a bad place for way too long and not taking care of myself at all. I would never have admitted it back than, I was majorly in denial about it all. I can talk about it now, as it’s mostly behind me.
Except for my anxiety about my weight. No, I don’t have unhealthy weight issues, but I do realise i’m rather anxious about it. I never… ever want to go back to being how I was 10 years ago. It was bad, depressing and at times humiliating. I remember how we had to do some promotional work in an amusement park and I was too big to get on the rollercoaster. They tried to close the safety buckle but it wasn’t big enough. After 2 tries they told me it didn’t fit and I had to leave the cart. Everybody was watching. I just nodded and got out. I grabbed my bag and walked to the exit while everybody was looking at the fat girl who didn’t fit. When I turned the corner I couldn’t fight my tears anymore.
Still it took me some time to flip that switch and do something about it.
So I’m a total control freak with my food. I still log it for calories most of the time and I wear a fitness tracker to have a general idea how much I did in a day as to see how much fuel my body needs (or on a bad day, how much bad stuff I’m allowed to eat to not gain weight). I weight my food, both because I like to know exactly how many calories my portions are, and because I never want to throw away any food (or go hungry for that matter).
Sometimes that little voice in my head yells at me that this is not normal behaviour. I’m too uptight, I’m too anxious, I try to keep control of the situation too tightly. But this way I handle food works for me it seems, as I have been generally the same weight for over 2 years now, even with my body changing and gaining more muscle still due to my physical job.
Yet I am trying. Not with the food thing (yet), but with handing over control and just trusting the other person with it. It sounds a lot easier than it actually was and I do believe that the person in question understood the gravity of it for me even if it was about something seemingly small. That felt kinda wonderful to be honest so I might have to just try this more often in the future.

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