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Depression

Posted by Pascalle on December 13, 2017 in Uncategorized |

There has been stuff going through my mind that I would like to write down here. It just kept going on and on but not crystalising into a post. The last few weeks feel like that while I slowly felt my emotions starting to get the better of me.
My first conclusion last night, was that I’m way too good at pretending I’m fine, that all is well and all is under control.
I’m quite proud of what I have accomplished so far in the last few years, though the truth is that I have only learned to live and cope with the oddities of my head. While I have tried to keep very tight control of everything and improve myself at the same time and cope with winter, something had to give, and it did.
The last few weeks I have tried to use every trick I had to prevent myself from slipping away emotionally but I wasn’t able to stop the slow decline. So when I sat crying behind my computer last night, I made up my mind and decided on a new approach. After I made my decision I tried to talk to a friend. He obviously is used to me having everything under control and since in core this situation is also already under control again I couldn’t find the support I did need at that moment. Luckily I did get the reassurance I needed from someone else and after a while I did feel better.
A big part of me still screams “don’t bother people with your shit, they won’t like that.” so it makes it extra hard to reach out when I do really really need someone to talk to.
The resolution: I went to my doctor and made the step to get medication. At this moment I don’t think more therapy will give me more or better coping mechanisms than I have now and they just are not enough to cope.
So winters suck and I’m trying a new way to deal with them.

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