And what a year it was.
After the long road of getting to know myself and learning to deal with all the stuff in my head, shaping my body in a more fit vehicle for my brain it was time to make a few new steps.
First and most important was getting off welfare in july. Not that i always make enough money but in general i do make enough now to support myself without any help of the government (yeah, except for max rent aid and max health insurance aid, or i would be living in the street). It means no more strict rules, no more being afraid i’m doing something wrong and i’ll lose my income. It also means living of 750-1000 euro a month, which is not a lot, but I manage. Not only that, due to my extreme budgetting skills I feel richer than ever. The little voice in my head at times still screams in panic but I know i’ll be fine and this voice of reason is starting to win most of the time.
At work stuff is just great. I like what i’m doing, i work hard, joke a lot and i’m well liked by colleages, my bosses and my agency alike. That feels really good. It makes me feel less insecure about things and I more and more have this “i got this” vibe. Even though it’s on flex basis, they have told me that they’re so happy with me that i really don’t have to worry about any contract stuff unless something goes massively wrong.
Healthwise i’m fitter and stronger than i have been in the last 20 years. I have less pain and dislocate less stuff than before, because of my ever growing muscles. I’m perfectly on point food-wise, getting my body everything it needs to be strong and healthy. Yeah, i spaz out once in a while on the sugar and sweets but not in the extreme. I got started on meds to battle the chemical imbalance that’s still there and for the first time in years i don’t feel that tight knot in my stomach which is my, or better said, was my anxiety. It had crept up on me over the years and i had no idea about the impact it had, until it was gone.
This is also the year I had feelings for someone again. Of course it’s all very complicated but the thought alone just makes me smile. Going through it is a long process of wondering what the hell i’m doing and feeling and trying to step over insecurities i hoped i no longer had but obviously still posess. At the moment I doubt anything will come of it, but I think I at least made a friend.
I started to study Astrophysics. Sure it’s on EDX but the science is real. I was so afraid I wouldn’t be able to deal with the math and physics but my brain is a marvelous tool of which i have yet to find the limit of what it can do. At this moment of writing i’m halfway the first out of 4 certificates. I’m getting more comfortable that I can indeed do this and (also due to the meds) i’m feeling less anxious about starting on the test questions.
One of the bad things this year, is that it feels like the world is on fire. There is so much bad stuff happening that it’s pulling me down more than i would like to admit. I can’t carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, so i’m desperately trying to let it go and focus on me and my surroundings. It’s working, partially. I just make sure i’m a good person and always set a good example for others.
Larpwise I got into Vampire in Tilburg, did an awesome larp in Berlin at the WoD conference (and dancing with the clans), and did Vortex Adventures. I also did more volentary things there, mostly on a whim at the events and behind the scenes (finance control). I had been planning to do more larps but in the end it just didn’t work out in timing. I did do quite a lot of specials, specifically for the faction Air, which were a lot of fun.
And finally travel. In may I went to Berlin for the WoD convention. I can honestly say that it changed my life. Grabbing back into my past and connecting with fellow roleplayers to look at the future. Meeting my Heroes, Justin Achilli and Mark Rein-Hagen and so many other awesome people who are playing and working with the World of Darkness.
In the summer I went to Bristol, which was nice and relaxing and visiting the Dr. Who experience was just awesome. Castlefest was the usual warm hug in the summer. Together with my parents I went to Gambia and Senegal in the fall. It was both awesome and very challenging. I love sharing these experiences with my parents and hope there will still be more trips we make together.
Reading this back, I realise what an awesome success year this has been. Sure i had a lot of challenges and a lot of bad days and a lot of crying and wondering what the hell i’m doing but look at this… just look at it. <3